ASSERTIVENESS

All of us show, at some time or the other, three types of behavior:

(1) Passive or Submissive (2) Aggressive or Dominating, and (3) Assertive

Passive:

Hesitate, speak softly, look away, avoid the issue, agree regardless of your own feelings, value yourself “below” others, hurt yourself to avoid any chance of hurting others.

Aggressive:

Answer before the other person is through talking, speak loudly and abusively, glare at the other person, speak “past” the issue (accusing, blaming, demeaning), vehemently expound your feelings and opinions, value yourself “above” others, and hurt others to avoid hurting yourself.

Assertive:

Answer spontaneously, speak with a conversational tone and volume, look at the other person, speak to the issue, openly express your personal feelings and opinions (including anger, love, disagreement, sorrow), value yourself equal to others, and hurt neither yourself nor others.

This is how the body language of a person differs depending on whether he is:

Passive aggressive assertive

• Eye contact … minimal glaring steady
• Hands … limp fidgeting free movement
• Posture … stooped chest out straight
• Dress … baggy, shabby showing off neat & clean
• Walking … shuffling, slow swaggering upright & brisk
• Expression … dull, withdrawn leering, proud firm, responsive

TO OVERCOME YOUR ASSERTIVE DEFICITS:

• Identify SITUATIONS where you cannot assert
• Identify PEOPLE with whom you cannot assert yourself,
• Identify your FEARS eg. rejection, failure
• Identify the deficits in your BEHAVIOR. For example, your inability to speak clearly and loudly or your difficulty in maintaining eye contact.

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