Thursday, October 1, 2009

Teach Men to express Emotions

In the book: “What Your Mother Couldn’t Tell you & your Father Didn’t Know” John Gray says …..
“A man’s orientation to intimate relationships is much more goal oriented than a woman’s. His action in the beginning of the relationship are the steps he takes to achieve his goal. Instinctively, he touches her affectionately, buys her flowers, calls her from work, plans dates, looks at her when she talks, notices how beautiful she is, listens to her stories, and behaves in other ways to say that he cares.

Practically speaking, he is on the hunt. His goal is crating an intimate relationship with the woman he has chosen as his mate. He is fully focused. Once he has achieved that goal, his hunter’s instincts shut down.

Instead of regressing, he progresses. Instead of buying flowers, he shares his complete income. Instead of calling from work, he comes home each day. Instead of planning dates, he plans to live his life with her. Instead of giving affection, he gives sex. Instead of just looking and listening to her when she talks, he feels a greater responsibility for her and tries to solve her problems

Once a man attains his goal, he is no longer focuses on repeating the things he did to get there. Instead, he focuses instinctively on doing what it takes to stay there. Like his ancestors, he concentrates on being a good provider.”

When you look at men objectively and impartially, you will realize that they have as much emotion (sometimes more so) than women. Men can be fiercely jealous, they can give up their lives for their love, they can die for their country or for a cause. Then why is it presumed that they do not have emotions? Because their expression of emotions is often not what women (or even society in general) expects. If the issue is not in “having” emotions, but in “expressing” them, then the solution is simple – just teach them how to express.

Most men have been taught to suppress emotions. It is a tough task to undo the learning of their crucial growing-up years, but it is not impossible. Men can be fun, thrilling, exciting, adventurous, romantic. They can be the strong shoulders over which a wife, daughter or mother can rest abandoning all worries. If you are ready to stop pointing fingers and work proactively towards building a better world through a better family, here are some tips:
  • Allow a man (and boy) space in his “cave”, and just let him know you are there for him
  • Teach him to verbalize emotions by making statements like “I understand you must be angry,” without asking questions or expecting them to respond.
  • Tolerate momentary outbursts, give time, and again verbalize, “Yes, it seems to be quite a frustrating situation.”
  • Ask him to demonstrate his feelings through action. Give him responsibility and express happiness and gratitude when he does something good.
  • Never compare him with yourself, others, and do not give unsolicited advice. Ask him whether he needs any help, and in what form. Let him ask for it.
  • Pamper his ego at times, and then gently (preferably humorously) remind him how he behaved when he lost control of his emotions.

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